Unequally Yoked: What’s the Harm?

Introduction

A Personal Struggle

This study was inspired by my own personal experience in an unequally yoked relationship. The courtship process between my potential spouse and I revealed an evident spiritual imbalance between us, which sparked great concern within my being. I was somewhat familiar with the term “unequally yoked” but lacked a true understanding of whether this was indeed a commandment from Yahuah, or a grey area in scripture that had room for flexibility. It is my desire that this exploration of the Father’s Word answers this very question, bringing much-needed clarity to inform our decision-making when it comes to courting for marriage.

From Impulse to Obedience

Examining relationships in terms of their spiritual value was not something that I ever considered before truly knowing Yahuah. I simply did what felt right in my heart and stumbled from one impulsive decision to the next.

When Yahuah began washing me in His word, I saw things through a new spiritual lens, becoming acutely aware of how the choices we make have consequences.

I think most of us reflecting upon our lives when we were not following Yahuah can see the damage caused by living contrary to His Torah. Those who truly fellowship with The Father have an understanding that His Word was created and preserved for our learning and benefit (2 Timothy 3:16, Joshua 1:8, Romans 15:4). If we truly believe this in our hearts, then we must apply it when choosing a marriage partner.

Genesis: In the Very Beginning

Preparation Before Union

The first union between man and woman began in the book of Genesis. Therefore, the examination of this relationship is important for our understanding of the true construct of marriage. The fall of man is often the dominant theme remembered in the history of Adam and Eve; however, there are significant values and principles in their story that can be applied to our own understanding and decision-making in the realm of courtship and marriage.

In Genesis chapter 2:15-20, we see Adam in fellowship with Yahuah, which is demonstrated by his obedience and ability to follow instructions, not being idle in the garden but doing the will of Yah. Obedience to Yahuah’s commands is consistently evidenced in scripture as a sign that we love Him (Deuteronomy 5:10, John 15:10, 2 John 1:6). Adam expressed his love for the Father and remained in it by walking in obedience to His instructions. It was necessary for Adam to love Yahuah first before being introduced to his wife, upholding the first and greatest command in Deuteronomy 6:5, “And you shall love יהוה your Elohim with all your heart, and with all your being, and with all your might. Only under these conditions was Adam ready to take on the responsibility of husbandry.”

Therefore, obedience and fellowship with Yahuah are evidently foundational qualities that indicate readiness for marriage and must be present in our prospective spouses during the courtship phase.

It is apparent that Yahuah’s order of courtship and marriage requires a season of preparation, whereby individuals must engage with Him in order to develop character and spiritual maturity, a second witness to this order is seen in Proverbs chapter 24:27, which advises an individual to prepare and work on oneself in the field before building a house. Adam had to achieve certain endeavors and spiritual milestones before becoming ‘one’ with his wife.

Spiritual maturity and readiness is also mentioned by Paul in 1 Corinthians 3:2 which is further confirmation of the expectation concerning spiritual progression for all believers. Yahuah is clearly emphasizing the need for both parties to be ready and spiritually equipped prior to the entering into a marriage covenant.

Design and Roles

For a man to fulfil Yahuah’s expectation in marriage, he must be able to lead his wife and be the head of their home (Ephesians 5:23, 1 Corinthians 11:3). A man not obeying the Father’s Torah will be totally ill-equipped to take on this responsibility, neglecting his role to protect and lead his wife in righteousness. Equally, a woman was designed to ‘help’ her husband (Genesis 2:18). The Hebrew word ‘Ezer’ is used here, meaning ‘to help’ or ‘to support’ and appears 21 times in Scripture. Ezer is used in reference to the divine help Yahuah provides for His people as well as in reference to individuals offering support in times of need (Psalm 54:4, Exodus 18:4, Isaiah 30:5). This scriptural context helps to deepen our understanding of the importance of a wife’s role, which often is misinterpreted as having less value as the male counterpart. To ‘ezer’ is to strengthen and support the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of the husband, completing the unification of the marriage relationship.

Once married, Adam and Eve were both given the responsibility to support each other in obedience whilst both having stewardship over creation (Genesis 1:28). Becoming ‘one flesh’ was required of Adam and Eve to fulfil such duty, allowing the couple to walk in righteousness, being one in spirit and of one mind, leaving no room for imbalance in terms of their commitment to obey and worship Elohim.

Genesis poignantly reveals Yahuah’s desire to be involved in all aspects of the union between husband and wife. Yahuah prepared the couple as individuals first, before bringing them together in His timing. This formula is the ideal standard of the courtship process, leading to a foundation whereby husband and wife can be fruitful and multiply.

Influence in Marriage

The chapter of Genesis then orients us to the power of influence within the marriage relationship. The power of influence in the realm of love and marriage is first exposed in Genesis 3:6 where we see Adam persuaded into sin not by the devil himself but by virtue of conversation with his wife (Genesis 3:17).

Eve’s rebellious mindset was all Satan needed to infiltrate Adam’s mind and behavior. Satan revealed in that moment his ability to control and manipulate man through the marriage relationship and has been using it to his advantage since the Garden of Eden. This is especially true when there is a failure in the man’s responsibility of headship, to anchor the home in Yahuah’s word.

No longer does the enemy have to masquerade in disguise as a serpent to deceive us but uses the people we love and trust the most to lead us into rebellion. This truly opens our eyes to the difficulties that lie ahead for the unequally yoked marriage.

Torah, Prophets and Brit Hadashah

The Command Against Unequal Yokes

The term ‘unequally yoked’ appears in 2 Corinthians 6:14 where Paul warns, “Do not become unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what fellowship has light with darkness?” This instruction is not a ‘New Testament’ concept, but an expectation from The Father that has been revealed and understood by His people from the beginning.

Genesis 24:3 tells us that Abraham made his servant swear an oath to ensure he would not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan for his son Isaac. Abraham lived among the Canaanites and was fully aware of their abominable practices and worship of false idols. Abraham understood that forming a marriage covenant between the daughters of Canaan and his son was unlawful and would negatively impact upon the covenant relationship between his descendants and Elohim.

This is clarified in more depth by Yahuah in the giving of the law to Moses.

Deuteronomy 7:3-4 reads, “And do not intermarry with them – you do not give your daughter to his son, and you do not take his daughter for your son, for he turns your sons away from following Me, to serve other mighty ones. Then the displeasure of יהוה shall burn against you and promptly destroy you.”

Israel’s failure to adhere to this command has left us with a myriad of evidence of the direct impact unequally yoked relationships have on our walk and salvation. The book of Numbers chapter 25:1-9 documents the manifestation of Deuteronomy 7:3, whereby the men of Israel engaged in sexual immorality with Moabite women, who in turn influenced them to bow down and make sacrifices to their gods. The consequence of Israel yoking themselves to other gods provoked the wrath of Yahuah, resulting in the death of those who were guilty of this unlawful allegiance to the other nations and their idols.

Lessons from Israel and Solomon

The scriptures reveal to us a clear correlation between spiritual decay and unequally yoked marriages. Solomon, being our greatest example of how even the most mature believer can fall into sin by the influence of their spouse. Nehemiah’s rebuke served as a harsh reminder to Israel of Solomon’s spiritual decline. Marriage between Israel and the unbelieving nations is expressed by Nehemiah as great evil and a transgression against Yahuah (Nehemiah 13:27).

The risk of spiritual decay extends beyond the confines of the marital relationship, taking root in the hearts of our children. The author of 1 Kings 14:21-31 makes sure to mention twice the pagan mother of Rehoboam, intentionally connecting her influence to the downfall of his reign, who in the likeness of his father Solomon, became unfaithful to Yahuah, leading the nation of Israel into apostasy.

It is perplexing to think that Solomon did not take heed to his own wisdom concerning his duty to train up his children in righteousness (Proverbs 22:6).

Yahuah expects that His people will teach their children His laws, commands, and statutes. Deuteronomy 6:7 reads, “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”

This standard is near impossible to achieve for the one who marries the unbeliever. Solomon’s marriage began with a tolerance to sin and ended with idolatrous rebellion. Solomon’s fellowship with darkness starved Rehoboam of strong spiritual leadership, causing his heart to become polluted with the desire to worship the false gods both his mother and father bowed down to. Solomon clung to his wives in love an,d in the same manner, clung to their wickedness and sin.

Solomon in all his divine given wisdom was not strong enough to withstand the wicked influences of his pagan wives. How prideful is it then of us to think that we are any stronger to escape the snares of the unequally yoked marriage?

Our heart’s sensitivity to influence explains the reasoning behind Israel’s decision to put away their foreign wives in the time of Ezra. During this period a portion of Israel were returning to the land after being exiled by the Assyrians and Babylonians. The returning remnant had a shared mission to rebuild the house of Yahuah (Ezra 1:3), but to do so, Israel first had to rebuild their own households. The urgency for restoration made it exceedingly important for Israel to return to the Torah. Ezra in his priestly authority, condemned Israel for the strange wives they had taken in Babylon (Ezra 9:2) and refers to this as an act of evil and iniquity against Yahuah and His commands (Ezra 9:13-14). Ezra lead the people to separate from their unlawful marriages (Ezra 10:11), breaking down the spiritually divided households of Israel. Only until that time were Israel able to fulfil their spiritual assignment and restore their covenant relationship with Yahuah. Some may argue that this command was solely given to Israel in order to preserve a pure bloodline for the nation. However, Yahuah’s swift rebuke of Aaron and Miriam following their disapproval of Moses’s non-Israelite wife (Numbers 12:8-9), reveals that this command was not merely an order to discriminate based on ancestral background. But a way of protecting the integrity of the nation’s worship and dedication to Elohim.

The protection we receive by adhering to the Torah’s instructions will be withdrawn if we decide to go our own way, as we see here in Joshua 23:12-13, “But if you do turn back at all, and cling to the remnant of these nations, these that remain among you, and intermarry with them, and go in to them and they to you, know for certain that יהוה your Elohim shall no longer drive these nations out from before you. And they shall be snares and traps to you, and a whip on your sides and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from this good land which יהוה your Elohim has given you.”

Samson: following the Heart vs. Counsel

Samson’s life is a sobering example of this very fate and must be examined for all those contemplating marriage with an unbeliever. Samson’s life was one full of promise and potential, which was ultimately thwarted by the women he loved and married. Despite his knowledge of the Torah and Nazarite status, Samson insisted on pursuing a Philistine woman in marriage (Judges 14:2). Samson’s approach to courtship perfectly typifies the dating culture of the modern world, where we choose romantic partners based on chemistry and desire (Judges 14:7). He relied on what pleased him rather than what pleased Yahuah.

The world advocates for us to follow our hearts; however, the concept of choosing a spouse based on appearance and feeling is not scriptural. We are warned in Jeremiah 17:9 that “the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. The word of Yahuah is clearly telling us that our hearts should not be the governing force behind our choices. Our hearts cannot be trusted alone to choose our partner in marriage. And knowing this, the enemy persistently persuades us to rely on it. Trusting in his own heart, Samson went his own way, forsaking the law concerning marriage (Deuteronomy 7:3-4).

Samson’s pride exuded in his determination to do things his own way, ignoring the counsel of his parents (14:7) and acting on impulse without a whisper of prayer or supplication. The rejection of leadership was one of the crucial errors of Samson, and one that is so easily replicated in the search for love today.

For the majority, modern dating is an independent pursuit and rarely relies on wisdom and counsel in the initial stages to decipher whether an individual is suitable for marriage.

The instruction of counsel typically takes place once the marriage relationship has broken down, drawing on the likes of talking therapies and marriage counselling to find peace and resolution, which statistics reveal can be counterproductive and in fact lead couples to divorce.

Love, Torah, and the Marriage Covenant

According to Yahuah, marriage is not an autonomous venture, but must depend upon His counsel, wisdom, and understanding, which we are told are the foundational building blocks for a successful marriage (Proverbs 24:3-4). Proverbs 24:5 confirms wisdom to be the true strength of a man, for the man with knowledge increases strength. The man who utilizes a multitude of wise counsel finds safety (Proverbs 24:6), in contrast to the likes of Samson. The nation of Israel followed a leadership system whereby appointed elders acted as watchmen over the people, providing support and righteous counsel about individual and community needs (Ezra 10:16, Exodus 18:25-26, Hebrews 13:17). It is evident from Israel’s societal structure that Yahuah desires for us to utilize leadership, particularly for something as important as courtship and marriage.

Samson’s rejection of leadership suggests that in his strength, Samson felt that he was qualified to do things on his own. Samson was a man swept away by the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life which ultimately lead to his death (Judges 16:30).

The root cause of his pain was his disobedience and ungodly choice in the woman he decided to yoke himself to. Samson did not enjoy the fruits of marriage but instead tasted deceit, infidelity, and chaos as a result of his disobedience. Becoming unequally yoked has the power to steal our hearts away from the Father and destroy the good plans He has for our lives. The enemy will not waver in his attempts to encourage self-sovereignty, nor stop convincing us that the fastest route to our desire is the one we should take, but remember there is always a tax to pay for the devil’s fruit, and in Samson’s case, cost him his life.

Returning to Covenant: Ezra’s Reforms

There is a common misconception among believers that marrying someone outside of the faith is not a sin, but their right to choose through free will. In one respect, they are correct; the Father has permitted free will, but the consequences of disobedience will always exist alongside our ability to choose.

Marriage is Yahuah’s design and he has commanded us to only enter into the marriage covenant with those that are in the body of Messiah, walking in obedience to His law (Deuteronomy 7:2-6, 2 Corinthians 6:14). The very essence of the Torah is love (Romans 13:10), and it provides us with the blueprint on how to love Yahuah and our fellow man (2 John 1:6). A person rejecting the Torah is in fact rejecting what it is to love. With this being said, it is inconceivable that we could say yes to marriage with a person that is not saying yes to love.

Upon Yahushua’s return, we are told that those who work lawlessness will be rejected by Him (Mathew 7:23, 1 John 2:4, Luke 13:25-27) and shall not be considered the bride that may enter into the wedding supper (Revelation 19:9, Mathew 7:21). Yahushua makes it very clear that he shall not be accepting those that reject His Father’s Torah. As disciples of Yahushua, we must follow in His footsteps and bare the stake until He returns to us. And that may look like for some, walking away from the person you love and desire to marry for the sake of obedience. Luke 14:33 So, then, every one of you who does not give up all that he has, is unable to be My taught one.

Luke 6:47-49 Everyone who is coming to Me, and is hearing My words and is doing them, I shall show you whom he is like: “He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation on the rock. And when a flood came, the stream burst against that house, but was unable to shake it, for it was founded on the rock.

“But the one hearing and not doing, is like a man who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream burst, and immediately it fell. And the ruin of that house was great.

Psalms 127:1 Unless Yahuah builds the house, the work of the builders is wasted. If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.

Conclusion

Marriage Design for Blessing

The Torah, prophets and the Brit Hadashah clearly harmonise on the right ruling concerning the unequally yoked marriage. The suffering caused by becoming unequally yoked is not the Fathers desire, but the very thing He wants to protect us from (Jeremiah 29:11). Marriage has been created to bless us, a sacred bond whereby man and woman can both give and receive love through the fruits of the Ruach Hakodesh.

However, ever-increasing divorce rates in our modern world is indicative of a generation that has rejected the infallible truth of Yahuah’s word, yoking themselves in marriage with broken cisterns, unable to prosper. Isaiah 30:1Woe to the stubborn children,” declares יהוה, to make counsel, but not from Me, and to devise plans, but not of My Spirit, in order to add sin to sin. (Proverbs 24:21-22). My son, fear יהוה and the sovereign; Do not mingle with those who change; For their calamity arises suddenly, And who knows the ruin of both of them?

Choosing Obedience

So then, let us choose to do what is pleasing before our Elohim, allowing him to order our steps and determine a spouse that honours Him and reflects the light of our Master Yahushua Mashiach.

Trust in יהוה with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; Know Him in all your ways, And He makes all your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

To our Elohim and Father be the glory forever and ever. Amen (Philippians 4:20).